My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Randomize
