I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Randomize
