dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
