the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
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