i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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