I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
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