I met the friendliest cop last night
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
Randomize
