I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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