SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
Randomize
