i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
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Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
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How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
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