Bro can a girl get pregnant if i jizz in her mouth?
hahahahahahahahahahaha
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
