I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
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