Yo I charged a $20 breakfast to ur room, will pay u back in liquor and schoolgirl panties, thx again for a fun time
"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
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