So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
Randomize
