I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
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