Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
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