His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
Randomize
