You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
Randomize
