take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
Randomize
