That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
She has the best kind of daddy issues
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Randomize
