I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
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