we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
