She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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