the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
Randomize
