A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
Randomize
