I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
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