So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
