We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
Randomize
