I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
