I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
Sext me about skeletons
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
and eventually we just all took our pants off
Randomize
