Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
