Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
