Cold hands, warm shart.
so are u like ashamed lol?
not really. i dont look at it as being homeless. im just going to pretend im on an extended camping trip
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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