i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
