Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Randomize
