Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
