His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
Randomize
