Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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