So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
