I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
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