Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Randomize
