3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
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