The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
Randomize
