I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
