i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
there is a large number of people floating in the fountains the morning in inter-tubes...its only 930. did i miss something?
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
