How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
Randomize
