seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
