My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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