It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
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