i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
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