I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Everclear isn't food dammit
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
