why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Randomize
