I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
Here’s Everything Coming To Netflix This July
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
19 Of The Creepiest (Most Inexplicable) Things People Experienced
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate