I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I'm passing your future prison.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes