Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
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