I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much