apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Randomize
