I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
Why can't burritos get me drunk
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
All I want is dick and wine.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
