I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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