My sheets look like a crime scene.
um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize
