Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Randomize
