Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
Randomize
