Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
