Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
Randomize
