I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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