We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
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