Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
