i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
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