Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
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