According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
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